She Dates… The Stove Theory

I was sitting at an airport bar a couple weeks back writing my last post and the women sitting next to me started to ask questions about my blog and from there we started talking about dating in general.

She asked me how I handle dating in San Francisco as it seems like you have to continually be dating multiple people at a time because everyone’s relationship status changes so frequently.

My response: I came up with a system in how I maneuver and process my dating life when there are multiple people involved.  I call it  The Stove Theory.

I had mentioned to her that I had listed to a Podcast recently in where I laughed out loud because a woman had come on and talked about her system of dating multiple people, and it happened to align rather well with my system, oddly well honestly.  Check out the podcast at Date/able Season 4 Episode 10: The System.

PSA: If you don’t listen to Date/able Podcast already, you most definitely should. I am an addict to this podcast!

So, of course, she asked me to share my theory, I did, and now I am here to share it with you. I’m a lover of cooking and baking which is where this thought process and connection came to me.

The Stove Theory: 4 burners and an Oven

stove

The Oven: You bake things in the oven, things take time in the oven to cook, most times you cook something up on a burner to then move it into the oven. So this is the guy/gal you are falling for that you are putting most of your efforts into. This is the person you seriously see something with, that you would commit to if that DTR conversation was to come.

The 2 front-burners: These are the two burners you do most of your cooking on. These are the people want to see where things could go. For me, these are the guys that I have been on a couple dates with, that I like and want to see where things could go. Either of these two guys/gals could move into the oven for more thorough cooking, but they aren’t there yet. They haven’t pushed the person in “the oven” slot out. But they give me butterflies and I am enjoying my time with them I want to spend more time with them, like cooking I spend a lot of time cooking on the front two burners of my stove.

The 2 back burners on the stove: These are the burners you use when boiling or simmering. These are the so-called, back-burners.  They people could have a number of different reasons for being on the back-burner.  They could be your FFB or Fuck Buddy, or they are the guy/gal you are just starting to message back and forth with from a dating site, or the guy or gal you met at a bar and gave your number, you want to see where it could go. Again these are someone who could move up in the game and bump someone off the front burner.

cooking

To answer the question I know is going to come, Am I using all 4-burners and the oven right now? I was but recently have turned a couple burners off as my interest or mutual interest is no longer there.

I do have someone in the oven slot right now, someone on a front burner but things are starting to cool there and then there is always someone on one of my back burners, “TFF”, maybe one day I will write about him.

I will also mention here that anyone could easily move into the oven if they made me feel the right way or the connection was to change.

Also, turning off all the burners is very much doable and something I want to in time is to be able to do. But, in a city like San Francisco, dating can be a full-time job. People’s interests and relationship status change quickly. If you are dating someone and you haven’t defined your relationship as “a serious partnership,” you should expect that they are dating multiple people and that feelings could be stronger with someone else.

And that right there is where this theory came for me. I enjoy dating and being a part of someone’s life, but I have needs and so does the person I am dating and until I find someone in which their needs and mind are fully covered within our partnership, I can’t pass up the chances of finding that connection with someone else and that means dating multiple people at a time.

How do you handle dating multiple people?

Back to cooking I go!

XOXO – Crispy

Rude awakening…

I feel like every blog post I start is always sorry I have been M.I.A but this time I really have been M.I.A and this time it hasn’t had anything to do with dating.

This time it has to do with the rude awakening I had that squashed my self-confidence and how I got it back.

middle finger

On May 15th, I had an accident. An accident that caused physical and emotional damage.

At 1:30 am on Monday, May 15th as I was technically ending my Sunday, which was an amazing Sunday by the way, I was taking the recycling out (Monday morning is recycling pick up) it was dark and I was in socks and I just missed the top step of our cement steps in front of our house.

When I came to there was blood everywhere, I was in indescribable pain and honestly couldn’t remember a thing that had happened. All I knew was I had been at the top of the stairs and now I was face first at the bottom.

Thanks to amazing friends and roommates, I was picked up rushed around to try and find an open urgent care, although one was not open at that early hour in the morning, and brought back home.

My friends knew that what I needed was to see a dentist and that at this point it was a waiting game until one opened.  As I was a bloody mess my dear friend put me into a bath to calm me and clean me up. Then my roommate and she laid in bed with me telling me everything was going to be okay until I finally fell asleep.

Around 5:30 in the morning, I woke up in a panic. My memories having had come back to me, my face feeling the most intense pain I think I have ever felt and my hand unable to move, all I could think about was why the hell am I not in a hospital bed. So I rushed upstairs, grabbed one of my roommates and took myself to the hospital.

Terrified that I could have had a concussion, a broken jaw, missing teeth, a broken hand you name it, I felt like everything was broken and that I would never be able to be fixed. I couldn’t even bring myself to look in a mirror at the damage.

Once at the hospital they gave me painkillers (much needed), took loads of ex-rays and then sent me on my way because of course, the dentist was really the only person who could fix anything. But if it weren’t for going to the hospital I would have been in far more pain and never would have known that I fractured my palm and pinky of my right hand.

I hit the dentist the minute they opened. And came to find out that I had dislocated my four front teeth, and fractured my upper lip bone.

and to just recently to find out  (after seeing a specialist a few weeks later) that I actually broke my upper lip bone (missing 70% of the bone on my upper lip) and that for the next 2-3 months there is nothing that can be done to fix my front teeth.

And this is were finding self-acceptance for myself comes into play. For the first 2 weeks, I had a black and blue face with scabs healing (which are now red patches and slight scars on my face), I have 2 chipped front teeth, am missing a portion of my gums making my skull visible and I physically can not eat anything that requires biting into. We can top this off with I can hardly shake someone’s hand as I’m right handed and that was my injured hand.

I didn’t want to see a damn soul, I was actually just starting to more actively date someone, had given a very attractive man my number at the bar (that Sunday) and was getting ready to head to a festival in just 2 weeks.

The depression was setting in quickly and the anxiety of seeing anyone was sending me into panic attacks. My self-acceptance that I had just so recently come to terms with was gone and I didn’t think I would be getting it back for awhile. I was bringing myself to terms with being alone, staying in at home and canceling all of my summer plans.

Then it dawned on me, after a few long heartfelt conversations with a good friend. If people couldn’t accept me for who I am as a person and are going to judge me based off of my looks, which are all very fixable things, then FUCK them. Those aren’t the people I want in my life anyway.

So a few days went by and I got the nerve to go back to work. I owe huge thanks to my team for the support and letting me work from home while I needed it. The first couple days of work were scary, especially with the amount of anxiety and depression I was facing. But, it was the people at work that first gave me the reassurance that it really wasn’t all that bad.

Aside from the swelling and bruising on my face, no one could really tell that my teeth were all jacked up. Over and over again someone would tell me “girl, you see it because it’s your face and you know it is there, but it’s not as noticeable as you think it is.”

It is that saying, that I say to myself every morning when I look in the mirror. “You got this girl, you notice it WAY more than anyone else does!” After a few days back at work, the weekend rolled around and one of my favorite events was happening in San Francisco, Bay to Breakers!

For the first time in my 6 years in San Francisco, I was seriously considering not going! But, I woke up that morning, looked in the mirror and told myself, “Girl you GOT THIS!”

And, I am so glad I did. I met up with my friends, and headed out to Bay to Breakers, dressed as The Sunday Funday Unicorn! Every friend I ran into showed me so much love and compassion that I soon forgot anything was even wrong with my “money maker.”

My self-acceptance was kicking my depression and anxiety in the ass and it felt so damn good. So with that, I decided, fuck it get back out there and keep up with your dating, do the things that you love, don’t give up on enjoying your life just because you’ve hit a bump in the road, or should I say fell down a bump in the road.

Still riding the high of an amazing day in the city with my squad and a little liquid courage, I reached out to A, the guy I had just recently started dating more frequently and made plans to see a movie with him a few days later into the week. I fired up my dating apps and made a minor adjustment to my profile.

fullsizeoutput_e72

A and I weren’t and aren’t by any means serious and dating is something I really enjoy doing, so why the hell not add a little laugh to my profile.  It’s actually kicked off more conversations than I was having prior.

I reached out to a guy who I had met a few weeks prior at a bar and was also texting the very attractive man from that Sunday (of my fall) and filled them in on my little episode. All of them telling me, I’m sure you are still beautiful and it’s totally understandable that you might be a bit self-conscious.

After A’s and my date to the movies, I felt much better about myself. Like everyone else, he said he wouldn’t have even noticed if he hadn’t known about it. Gosh, he knew how to make me feel so damn beautiful at a time where I felt so ugly.  My self-confidence was getting a great boost and my depression was quickly subsiding.

With my depression buried in a hole, I got my self-confidence back and set out to keep it that way. Since all of this, I have gone to Lightning in a Bottle, gone on a couple first dates, continued to live my life the way I was before and am continuing to keep living my life to the fullest as if nothing ever happened.  *promise more posts to come on all of this.

So food for thought to you, don’t let the things that can be fixed get you down. Don’t let your physical appearances stomp on your self-acceptance, love yourself for who you are on the inside. If people can’t see you for that person, the person you are emotionally and intellectually then they aren’t people you need in your life.

You are beautiful from the inside out and never stop believing that.

Beauty

XOXO – Crispy

P.S. “If money can fix it, it’s not a problem!” – my team lead!

She Dates… The Story Teller Part 2

Not too much has changed since my post on The Story Teller on the dating front. I am jumping back into it full-force this week though.

Anywho, I wanted to update ya’ll on The Story Teller (TST)!!! If you didn’t get a chance to read that post, do so now!

Okay, are you all caught up now? Okay Great!

So, I left the last post stating that we hadn’t been talking much since “they story’ he had told me (I still won’t tell any specifics as I need to protect identity in all cases).  Our conversations did, however, start to pick back up after a couple days. Most of his silence was more or less is coping with the passing of a family member.

Conversation was fairly normal and based on catching up and talking about how things were going for both of us.  We also talked about a lot of things, like family, school, fears, fantasies, etc. Pretty normal back and forth conversation.

One day though he mentioned that he brought me up to his friend and that his friend thought he knew me from this bar I used to frequent in SF. I didn’t recall the guy but was like probably, I spent a lot of time there at one point. Long story short his friend wanted to add me on Snapchat and asked him for my screen name.

I had not yet even exchanged my Snapchat information with the Story Teller yet so I was a little apprehensive to send it over. In the end, I did because at this point anyone could find me on Snapchat pretty easily.

His friend quickly added me and this is where The Story Teller Part 2 story begins.

The Friend, waited till I posted a Snap that he could easily comment on. It happened to be a snap I shared of me watching Logan at home on my new living room set up, thanks to my new roomie.

His comment was “Love that movie!” I wrote back “ya, it was a good one. You must be TST’s friend.”

After confirmation of that, the friend said, “sorry to go about contacting you this way but TST has brought you up in conversation a few times and I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t warn you to get out while you can.”

BAM right!

Whoa! SHIT! Fuck! Damn! It he really that bad? – all the things running through my head.

I responded with; “Thank you for reaching out, I feel like TST has been pretty open and honest with me and yes, some of the stories he has told me about his past give me some concern but so far we haven’t met yet and I don’t want o pass judgement too quickly.”

To keep the story fairly short, I won’t spare you all the details but, I will say that the friend and I went back in forth for a few hours comparing stories. Whoa! The Story Teller is full of stories, and everything I heard on his end was him making himself out to be the victim when in fact he was actually the villain.

Oh and the big news here guys! The Story Teller is married with a baby on the way!

Soo to answer the question of What did you end up doing Crispy?

I slowly started to disconnect from our conversations over KIK, when he mentioned he was back in San Francisco and wanted to meet up, I agreed and then a couple days later used the “work is crazy” excuse and that I would keep him posted if I could actually meet up with him.

He never messaged me back after that so I figured I was in the clear and washed my hands of everything. The day we had originally planned on getting together but never confirmed, he sent me a message super late in the evening, saying something along the lines of “I take it this is going to happen…”

I don’t know what the whole message said as I didn’t want to open it (it shows you if someone reads your message on Kik), I just deleted the app altogether and called it quits.

So there you have it, don’t judge a book by its cover, but maybe in situations like this learn to read between the line and trust your first gut feeling.

XOXO – Crispy

She Dates… #PROMO

Hey, all you single ladies out there, I’ve got a little gift for you!
My She Dates…. series is hooking you up with a discount on a Single Swag box! 😍
box-january-2017.jpg
Use this link to get your discounted subscription!
I’ve mentioned in the past that you have to date yourself, which means treating yourself every once in awhile. This is a perfect way to give yourself a monthly treat, boost single spirit and check out new products.
My review of my first SinglesSwag box will be posted in a couple weeks! Treat YO self ladies!
*side note* you don’t have to be single to subscribe 😝   #loveyourself 

She Dates… The Story Teller

Hi Guys! I’m back, took a couple week break from dating to regroup and focus on me! Although I wasn’t going out on dates I was still swiping and talking to a couple guys. Which brings me to todays segment of She Dates…

 *For full discretion and autonomy, there will be no name or even initial given out in reference of The Story Teller.*

This story begins on OKCupid around the end of March.  We both have liked each other on the site and he sends me the first message starting the conversation off referencing one of my pictures, which leads us into a conversation on music festivals. Which then over time leads into the normal conversation of what do you do for work, etc.

We spend a couple days going back and forth chatting here and there about how our days have been and what we have planned for the upcoming weekend. He attempts to invite me out a couple times to meet up with him and some friends but my work weeks were keeping me busy.

After about a week of chatting and things slowing down a bit on my end, I suggested we meet up the following week for drinks. He, unfortunately, was flying out of town to be with family for a week. He left with promises of staying in touch and getting together when he got back.

As we both aren’t a fan of chatting on the site and neither fans of giving out our phone numbers we jumped over to Kik for faster text autonomous text communication.

*Highly recommended

From here our conversations started to get heavy and very detailed into our pasts. Why we are the people we are today, why we are both probably still single (in our late 20’s),  and then some stories that many people would quickly pass judgment on, ending the conversation.

He made a statement one day of “I don’t know why you are still talking to me” and all I could say was “there is something that still intrigues me about you.” Some of those stories he shared may have scared most women off. They were stories of drug use, sexual escapades, past relationships with those of another gender, and well some down right asshole tendencies.

But there was/is still something that intrigues me about this person. Maybe it’s the fact that he is willing to open up and be so truthful before even knowing me.  Maybe it’s that he is just super attractive.  Maybe its the fact that I’m getting consistent attention from someone, who knows?

Then the story telling escalates to a story that any person in their right mind would run for this hills after hearing. Let me preface this briefly with someone in his family was on their last few days of life. This story was a story of self-destruction/ a comping mechanism. But still, it was a story that if it was true was a hard story to hear and one that made me second guess any interest in this man or rightfully so this boy.

It was a recent story of something he had done the night before while down visiting his family.  I won’t share the story because that would be a horrible thing for me to do but I will just say it was a story involving, sex and drugs and a few questionable decisions.

As I can be a very forgiving person, to a fault, I gave him my advice. I told him that he should feel like a piece of shit but not to put it all on himself as his friend made him believe the situation was that of something else. I told him to now harness that shitty feeling, that hitting rock bottom feeling and turn this self-destruction into a lesson.

He was grateful for my advice and then made that statement again “I would understand if you don’t want to date now.”

I didn’t quite know what to say. Part of me was like your hurting and self-destructing, this isn’t you. The other part of me was like this man is crazy, Crispy run for the hills. But all I could say in the moment was “I’m still here!”

A few days has gone by since this story and our conversations have become sparce but I know that is because he is handling some family things.

However, With these few days of passing time I’m still fighting the voices in my head of is this someone I want to continue to pursue or should I just let it fall to the waste side.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thoughts in my head currently;

  1. If I met this guy out at a bar, hit it off with him and started dating him (in a more organic way), I most likely wouldn’t have learned about any of these stories.
  2. Or would I have ever learned  about them?
  3. I have met this guy online, he has opened up and told me so many stories and I have shared a few of mine and we haven’t even met. Is this a sign of truthfulness and trust in this person?
  4. Do I know what I am getting myself into?
  5. Am I setting myself for heartbreak immediately?

I still have not met him, and still, have not decided if I want to. At this point, I am in a place of taking it one step and thought at a time. Will he even want to meet up when he is back in the city? Does he feel like he divulged too much information? What is even going through his head at this time?

XOXO – Crispy

She Dates… Dating Apps

On this segment of She Dates… I’ll be talking about the Dating Apps I use.  But first, a current dating update.

There isn’t all that much to share, I’ve had a few dates these past two weeks that have been a whole lot of meh but not story worthy.

I have been dating someone over the past couple weeks in which we have gone on about 3 or 4 dates and things are going rather well. I’m sure I’ll have a post somewhere in here at some point about him, as he is leaving for Vietnam for 2 months at the end of March, but for now, things are good, and I’m in a happy place with him.

Now onto the topic for today Social Dating…

online dating

A lot of people have asked me which dating sites I use and as of right now here is the list in order of how often I use them and my personal opinion on them:

Tinder – The Swipe Right and Left Game –

  • Tinder the app that you can sit on for 30 minutes or more at a time and get lost in the swiping back and forth ritual of he’s hot he’s not.  I very rarely actually ever go on dates with people from Tinder, mostly we connect, one of us will start the conversation and we will go back and forth in a chat for awhile. Most often the chat will go well and we will exchange numbers with a promise to grab drinks that upcoming week but we never actually do, we just text back and forth for awhile then things sizzle out. Womp Womp

OKCupid – The I am looking for something site.

  • OKC is known to most as the dating site for people in poly or open relationships and or those that are at that point in their life where they are actually looking for someone to start a relationship with. I quite enjoy OKC because the profiles are detailed and you get to learn a lot about a person’s interests before you even swipe. Come On folks looks are not everything.  I go on about 4/10 dates on this site. For every 10 guys, I talk to about 4 of them will turn into an actual date.

>>> that guy that I’m dating right now where things are going well is from an OKC connection

Bumble  -Queen’s Move-

  • You play the swipe right and left the game but if you match with a someone, you as the woman have to start the conversation and you have 24 hours from the time you match to do so.  I’m never good with being the one to start a conversation so this one is a challenge for me but the type of guys I connect with seem really nice. I have not had any luck going on a Bumble date, all conversations have fizzled out before an actual date happens.  I will say the pictures guys put on Bumble are way better than the ones they use on Tinder which I never have understood since they both connect photos via Facebook.

Hinge  – Facebook Connections 

  • This one connects you with people based on your Facebook connections I believe it goes as far as the 3rd degree of connection. I have not utilized this app much so I don’t have much to share… I will update if things change.

So there you have it, the dating apps I use. I check/use each of them twice a day typically in the morning on my way to work and in the evening on my way home or before going to bed. If someone messages me I try to reply within a couple of hours of receiving the message but that is all dependent on my work day.

What dating apps do you use?

XOXO ~Crispy

Want to share your dating stories? Send your stories to dreamninsanfrancisco@gmail.com or email me and we can grab a drink and you can tell me all about your story, all shared stories will be anonymous   

*Photo found on Gazette Review.com

She dates…No Spark

On this segment of She Dates… it’s the No Spark date recap.

This story starts with another OKCupid match. A and I started chatting at the beginning of February. When we first matched with one another I was not entirely sure how interested I was, mostly this feeling came down to photos and attraction, but there was something intriguing about A so I put in an effort to have a conversation.

A and I had a pretty in-depth conversation for a couple of hours on the site, talking about music, venues shows, and dancing. We decided that we would meet up for drinks and snacks at Brewcade that Thursday.

Thursday came around and I woke up pretty ill, had a cold that I just couldn’t shake so I reached out that morning and let A know I wasn’t going to make it. We immediately rescheduled to that upcoming Monday.

Monday came around and about 20 minutes before we were supposed to meet up A reached out and let me know that he was still stuck at work in San Mateo and was obviously not going to be able to make it. (He did apologize that he was giving such short notice but due to work meetings he wasn’t able to contact me sooner.) I was still at work, just getting ready to head that way so it wasn’t an inconvenience to me.

Things just aren’t playing out in our favor at this point. As we try to reschedule things with work, plans already established, and me being gone at SCMF (see recap), we were just not having any luck at rescheduling.

So, finally almost 3 weeks later from out first original date attempt, we managed to find a night that worked. We stuck with the original plan and met up at Brewcade, we enjoyed a couple beers, had awkward first date conversations and then walked down to the Mint for another drink and more awkward conversations while watching people sing Karaoke, before turning in for the evening.

I have to admit that I didn’t feel any connection, there was no physical chemistry or conversational chemistry for me from this first date and I was very tempted to not meet up with A again. However, a couple days later he reached out and asked me out to dinner, the following week.  I agreed as I didn’t want to pass judgment so quickly. A was a really nice guy, funny and he was semi-attractive to me, so why not give it another shot.

We made plans to have dinner together about a week out. Come the day before our scheduled dinner date, A reached out to make sure the timing was still good. I happened to be home in bed sick with what I think was the flu. He was really sweet offered to drop by soup and Gatorade. I let him know I was fine and my roommates were taking care of me but that I thought the gesture was very sweet.

We rescheduled dinner to a couple days later when we knew I was feeling better. On the day of dinner, A sent me a text message with the address to where we would be having dinner and the time to meet him there.

Upon looking up where we were going, I realize it’s this really nice fancy fixed menu restaurant NightBird. I was already in shock and feeling semi-bad about agreeing to dinner because I already wasn’t feeling much of a connection and this was a really nice place to be taking someone to dinner.

But so it was already planned out, I told myself, “It was fine, we will have a lovely time and get to know each other more, Give it a chance Crispy!” So, I put my best effort forward, I went and got my hair cut, rushed home to put on a pretty dress, and met him outside of my house in the Uber he called for us (he actually lives about 5 blocks away from me).

Dinner was absolutely amazing. If you haven’t been to NightBird, I highly recommend it but note that this a baller status restaurant. Dinner was basically like my rent. Anyways…

Conversation throughout dinner flowed so much better than our first date and I felt like we were actually connecting fairly well conversationally. After dinner, I called an Uber for us and as we waited outside I leaned over and gave him a kiss and thanked him for dinner. There was absolutely no spark in that kiss, fuck!

As we were sharing an Uber home, when we got to his place to drop him off I leaned over for a kiss goodnight, hoping that this one I would feel something. Nope, not a god damn thing. Ugh, fuck me!

Now, it’s been a couple days since our super nice, fancy, expensive dinner. I feel like shit because I don’t feel a connection at all and don’t want to lead him on and two he just spent all that money on dinner.

He has since reached out to me to try and make plans to meet up, I was in Tahoe so not around making it easy to say no. But, now I’m stuck in a situation, I’m not sure I know how to handle!

I’m open to all input on this situation:

  • Men, how would you want to be told by a girl that they aren’t feeling it?
  • Ladies, how would you handle this situation?

Please feel free to comment, direct message me or email me (dreamninsanfrancisco@gmail.com), I look forward to hearing from you.

Laters Babies,

Crispy